Messed up world of Jack Spicer
by Scorch-X
Summary: What really happens in the lifestyle of Jack Spicer and the Heylin Dragons? Mean pranks on Tubbimura, drinking games with Omi, Clay and Raimundo, and star trek inspired gadgets! Rated T for bad language, brief nudity and behaviour.
1. Chapter 1: Laxatives are not toys

Jack's messed up life

By Scorch-X

Chapter 1: A day in the life of Jack Spicer

In the headquarters of Evil Inc/Chase Young's Dark Dragons Cidital, Jack Spicer was working on his latest invention, the Food Replicator. Just as he was about to test it out, he heared a familier voice

"Spicer!" Tubbimura shouted. Jack frowned.

"What do you want this time?" he asked, exiting his lab, into the main cidital. In the fountain were Tubbimura, Wuya, Katnappe and Chase, using the fountain as a pool. Jack was nearly sick, as he realised Tubbi was wearing a speedo

"Oh my god!" Jack screamed, "Tubbi, what do you want?"

"Pass me a slim fast shake." Tubbi said

"I don't friggin belive you, you interupted me for that?" Jack asked, walking over to the fridge, and pulled out a can of slimfast. He then passed it ot Tubbi

"This is Vanilla Spicer, i only like Chocolate." Tubbi said

"Their's none left Chubby Tubbi." Jack said, smirking

"Well, go to the store and get me some." Tubbi said

"Listen you damn offspring of Mr. Staypuft and Poppin' Fresh, get off your bloated arse, on your feet, and get your own fucking shakes!" Jack snapped

"Fine, i will." Tubbi said, standing up so fast, his speedo ripped.

Everyone screamed, "Oh, sorry about that." Tubbi said, covering his modesty and leaving

"I'm going back to my lab to work on my replicator." Jack said. In his lab, he found a bottle of laxatives, and a spare can of chocolate slimfast. On his left shoulder, a little devil jack appeared

"Go on, you know you want to." the devil jack said. On his right shoulder, an angel jack appeared

"I agree with him this time, Tubbimura's a bastard." Angel Jack said

Jack grinned, "You know what I like about Tubbi? He's just a regular guy, in a regular world." Both Devil Jack and Angel Jack started to laugh

"Keep it down Spicer!" Chase shouted from the pool

"Sorry Chase!" Jack called back, and used one of his inventions to inject the laxatives into the shake. Later that day, Tubbi suddenly jumped out of the pool screaming, and ran towards the toilet.

"I guess that takes care of the big round guy. Wuya will be too busy making moves on Chase, who'll be busy secretly gagging, Katnappe will be off on her prowls soon, Vlad's in Moscow visiting his parents, i guess i'm free to do whatever the hell i want." Jack thought, and found a bottle in a hidden compartment under a table

"Chase's vodka?" he thought, "should i?"

"Just fucking do it!" the angel and devil snapped

Jack picked up the vodka, and took a gulp, "Wa fucking hoo!" he cheared, then hopped into his plane, and took off. Soon, he was smashed out of his skull, and flying like a madman.

In the Xiaolin Temple, Rai, Clay and Omi were chatting

"Kimiko's visiting her pappy, ah guess we've got time for us guys, to be guys." Clay said

"Yeah, let's have some fucking poontang!" Raimundo said

"Poontang?" Omi asked, "What's that?"

"Allright, i don't know what it is, it's mentioned in war movies when the women are gone." Rai sighed. Suddenly, Jack flew by

"Look ma, no hands!" he laughed, controling the plane with his feet

"Look guys, no brain!" Raimundo said, pointing at Jack, who suddenly crashed his plane outside the temple. Jack ejected before impact, and landed. Omi, Clay and Raimundo walked over.

"It's allright guys, i didn't spill the vodka." Jack said

"Vodka?" Raimundo asked.

"Get, some glasses." Jack said. Omi got 4 glasses from the kitchen

"Allright, too the future." Jack said, as the monks downed their shot

"To the fall of Wuya, god i hate her!" Jack said, as everyone downed their shot

"To alcohol, the solution to a lot of trouble, and the cause of a lot more." Clay said

Later, a wasted Jack, Clay, Rai and Omi were singing

"Alltogether now!" Jack said

I put my finger in a woodpecker's hole,  
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,  
Take it out. take it out, take it out,  
REMOVE IT." the guys all sang. Suddenly, Master Fung exited the temple, upon hearing the noise.

"What the devil?" he asked, seeing the chaos

"Mashter, do you want a drink of this delicious juice?" Omi asked.

"Monks, inside now." Fung said, "Spicer, i shall have Dojo take you back home." Fung said. Dojo picked up Jack, grumbling about babysitting Jack. Later, Jack was home, and Dojo left quickly. The cidital doors opened, and Jack walked in, to see Chase and Wuya still in the fountain

"Hi honey, i'm home." Jack said, then fell down the temple steps and into the fountain

"What have you been doing boy?" Chase asked

"Nothing much, jusht challanged the xiaholin guyhs to a drinking contesht." Jack slured, "Weresh Tubbi?"

"Still on the toilet." Wuya said, "He's been their for hours. I think he's been eating spoiled food again."

Suddenly, Tubbi screamed from the toilets, followed by a farting. Jack walked over to his room, and fell onto his bed

"What a day." he sighed, and passed out.


	2. Chapter 2: Danger USD

The messed up world of Jack Spicer

Chapter 2: USD (Unusually Spicy Dish)

In the Heylin Crackhouse/Chase's cidital, Jack finished the last component of his food replicator. Work had been going slow due to having a cold, but Jack was in a good mood, knowing it could help him.

"Allright, now for the test." he said outloud, "Create me a bowl of Chicken Soup."

"Affermative." the device replied, creating a warm bowl of Chicken Soup. Jack tasted the soup,

"Bah, cheep chicken soup, 99 soup, 1 chicken." he muttered, "It'll do until i can fix that the bugs."

"Spicer, the T.V is broken." Tubbimura said, walking into the room

"Have you tried plugging it in?" Jack asked

"Oh, very funny. Do you think i'm an idiot?" Tubbimura asked

"Doe you really need an answer to that?" Wuya asked, "The T.V has broken down again, and i'm missing my show."

"Hang on a seccond, i'll check it out." Jack said

"What is that?" Tubbi asked, refering to a container of fuel from Jackbots, "Is that fuel for your little space ship?"

"No Tubbs, it's not fuel for my space ship." Jack replied, then snapped, "It's antifreeze from the Starship Enterprise. And in the other barrel is Break Fluid from Thunderbird 3."

"Allright, no need to bite my head off." Tubbi muttered

"What is that?" Wuya asked, refering to the replicator

"It's a food replicator, ask it what you want to eat, and it'll make it." Jack said

Wuya looked at it, "I'll have a Snickers bar." The machine created a snickers bar.

"Since when did you like candy?" Jack asked

"I've allways liked candy." Wuya said, "It reminds me of myself."

"Looks nice and sweet, but will eventually kill you?" Jack asked inocently, as he fixed the TV. Vlad and Tubbi chuckled. Wuya just ignored him.

"TV's fixed." Jack said

"What was it, one of those tubes?" Vlad asked

"No, somebody switched the socket off." Jack said, "I'm going out for a while, i'll be back tonight."

As Vlad and Wuya watched TV, Tubbi walked over to the replicator.

"Allright, make me the spiciest chilli dog in the world, no the known universe." Tubbi said

"CAUTION: A CHILLI DOG OF SUCH SPICENESS WOULD BE UNADVISED FOR CONSUMPTION." the computer replied

"You're talking to Ninja Tubbimura, the man with the iron stomach!" Tubbi said, "Make me my chilli dog!"

"AFFERMATIVE." the computer replied, creating a chillidog that glowed with heat. Tubbi took a bite

"Delicious." he said, finishing it off.

"Now, i'll have sushi with the hottest Wasabi ever." Tubbi said. The Sushi was finished quickly, followed by a curry.

"Now, i'll have a diet soda please." Tubbi said, drinking it all. Suddenly, Tubbi was hit by a gut wrenching pain, " Oh my god! Oh...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHH!" he screamed, falling down

"What was that?" Chase shouted, exiting his study, "Sounds like cats yowling at a bagpipe factory."

"Sounds like chubby's got heartburn again." Katnappe called back

In Jack's workroom, Tubbimura managed to stand up, "What was that?" he asked, "Oh my god, it's the sin of glutony, punishing me for being greedy...no, it's that time of month again...no, i'm not female...i...i'm dying? OH MY GOD, I'M DYING!"

"Take an indigestion tablet then you idiot!" Chase shouted from his study

Meanwhile, at the Xiaolon Temple, Rai, Omi, Clay and Jack were playing poker, and drinking vodka shots.

"How's things moving?" Omi asked

"Hows things going?" Rai corrected

"All the Heylin want me for is gadgets i guess." Jack said, "At least we're not enemies any more."

"Allright, feast your eyes on this." Rai said, "Four aces."

"Good hand Rai." Clay said

"I have two aces." Omi said

"What the hell?" Clay asked

"And i have one." Jack said

"Raimundo, you've got some explaining to do." Clay said, searching him for cards. Clay stopped searching, and scratched his head. "He's clean." he said

Omi looked at Raimundo, and searched the ground, and found the shroud of shadows, and a pack of cards

"How did they get there?" Raimundo asked

"You cheater!" Omi said, downing his shot

"Who are you calling a cheater?" Raimundo asked

"Uh, why don't we play something else?" Jack asked, sensing a fight comming

- Heylin -

Tubbi sat outside the cidital, his stomach making noises like a cement truck. He then decided to do something.

"Silver Matra Ray." he said, flying away.

- Xiaolin -

In the temple, the guys were singing, and the temple doors open. Kimiko walked in, and looked around, suprised, seeing everyone was drunk.

"I've only been away a week, and chaos ensures." she said, "Where is Master Fung?"

Omi drunkenly pointed to Master Fung, who was doing limbo with Raimundo and Jack.

"Happy new year!" Jack said, walking over and shaking Kimiko's hand, "You're our first footer."

"Get off me Spicer." Kimiko snapped, then threw Jack out the temple. Omi, Clay and Raimundo followed

"Women and their PMS." Raimundo commented. Suddenly, Tubbimura landed.

"I come in peace." he said. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a check, and handed it to Jack.

"Spicer, i have a confession, i've been selling Jackbots to the military." Tubbi said, "Here's the money i made, $2000 million."

"I'm Rich? I'M FUCKING RICH!" Jack cheared

"And i have a peace offering for you." Tubbi said, passing Jack a larger box, with a button on it. Jack pressed the button, and a voluptious scantly dressed woman popped out

"A sex-synth 2000? NO WAY!" Jack said

"Omi, this is for you." Tubbi said, handing Omi a Dimoxinil starter set.

"Finally! I can grow hair!" Omi said, running into the bathroom to use it.

"Raimundo, this is for you." Tubbi said, handing him two pairs of soccer boots.

"Megatronic soccer boots? Thanks!" Raimundo said

"And the boots of Pelé." Tubbi said

"Thanks Tubbi." Raimundo said

"Clay, this is the secret recipe for Rodeo burgers." Tubbi said, "And, give this to Kimiko, it's a powerchip NX70, it will make her computer the most powerful in the country." Tubbi said, "The reason i'm doing this, is i fear i may be dying."

"Oh, jesus." Clay said

"Please come to the cidital tonight for an amazing show." Tubbi said

-Later-

Chase woke with a start, hearing a brass band entering the cidital, playing loudly.

"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded, seeing a parade, with Tubbi leading

"This is where you get out Chase." Tubbi said, "I'm taking over."

Watching was all the heroes and villians. On the Xiaolin Side, Clay was munching a pile of burgers, Kimiko was playing with satalites in orbit, Raimundo was kicking a soccer ball around, Omi was brushing a mass of black hair, and Jack emerged from his room, grinning like a perverted teenager. The SS-2000 followed behind him

"Tubbimura! Have you been sniffing Jacks model ship glue again, or have you been eating too much moldy cheese?" Chase asked, clearly pissed

"What's the odds that Chase is going to gut Tubbi?" Katnappe asked

"I say, 3/4." Omi said, "I put 20 dollars on Chase."

"I'll put 50 on Yung." Master Fung said, still drunk from the party.

"I have this to say." Tubbimura said, then cleared his throat. Suddenly, the pain intensified 1000 times, then it happened.

-FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRT-

The shockwave blew a massive hole in the wall, and vapourised most of everyones clothes, leaving everyone in their underwear.

"Methane Gas levels increased by 2000X. Do not light a match." one of the jackbots said. Jack looked sadly at the SS2000, that was in ruins.

"Tubbimura, you're history." Chase snarled. Tubbi gulped, and thought

"I should have stayed in bed."

End of Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3: major problems

The messed up world of Jack Spicer

Chapter 3: Major problems

In the local Nuthouse/Heylin cidital, Jack was working on yet another invention. However, every few minutes, he could hear Tubbimura crying out in pain. Frustrated, he picked up one of his inventions, and walked to the jailcell where Chase had put Tubbi after his antics the week before. Seeing Chase outside the cell, Jack sniggered.

"How long are you going to leave him in their?" Jack asked

"Until i get bored." Chase replied, firing a blast from a shen gong wu into the cell, torturing Tubbi.

"His screaming is annoying." Jack said, "Try this instaid."

Jack fired a laser at Tubby, who suddenly started jumping around the cell, scratching himself furiously.

"What's that?" Chase asked

"The itchotronic 2000, it makes the victim itch uncontrolably." Jack said

"Let me have a go." Chase said

"Get your own, i'm having fun." Jack said

"Aw, c'mon, let me have a go." Chase said, putting on a puppy dog look. Jack handed the device to him.

"Damn, that look is effective." Jack said, "If you need me, i'm going to be spreading vodka around the Xiaolin guys again."

"Yeah, yeah." Chase replied, firing the I2000 at Tubbi again, "This things better then shen gong wu for torture."

Later, Jack's ship landed outside the temple, and open exiting, he saw a yeti. Observing it for a minute, he realised it was wearing Xiaolin robes.

"Cueball?" Jack called

"Hello Jack Spicer." the yeti said, "I used too much demoxinal, and now i look like cousin Twit from the Adams Family."

"Man, this is weird." Jack said. Suddenly, their was a crashing noise, "The hell?"

"Sounds like Clay just fell into the cellar again." Omi said, entering the main hall with Jack. their was a hole in the floor to the celler, and suddenly, Clay climbed out with the help of a Shen gong wu. Clay was seriously overweight.

"Too many burgers?" Jack asked, "What happened to Rai, did he break a leg playing soccer?"

"No, but i crippled my feet." Rai said, emerging from his room in a wheelchair, "Bloody soccer boots have been recalled, some design flaw. And last thing i saw, Kimiko was hacking into nasa and sending spaceships offcourse with her chip."

Suddenly, a Jackbot attacked the temple, and grabbed Omi, and gave him a haircut. Then it dressed him in a dress, and put makeup on him. Clay started laughing his head off, along with Raimundo and Jack.

"I never made a jackbot to do that. Who the hells doing this?" Jack sniggered. Suddenly, he suffered the same fate as Omi, followed by Clay and Raimundo.

"My don't you all look pretty?" the jackbot asked in Kimiko's voice.

"It's Kimiko, she's gone insane and hacked the jackbots." Jack said, "Where is she?"

"In her room." Rai said, "Let's go!"

"I got a question. Does this dress make me look fat?" Clay asked

"It's not the dress." Rai replied sniggering, as they cut the power to the temple, causing Kimiko's computer to deactivate. Suddenly, Kimiko exited her room, looking exausted.

"Thanks guys, my computer took control of me! Where the hell did Tubbi get the chip from?" she asked, then laughed, "What happaned to you guys?"

"Your computer happened." Rai said, as Jack disabled the computer, removing the chip.

"Cyberdyne systems? Those guys were shut down for selling dangerous chips. That idot!" Jack said, "Let's get Tubby back for this!"


End file.
